Feel Me

Empty hands and broken heart

Parts of me seem to have been ripped out. Time stopped running, or maybe it just went wild and free without me handling it right. Parts of my soul will never feel the world the same again, but that was probably meant to happen. Parts of my heart were glued to a new reality, to some of the bitterly sweet feelings that I need to absorb or let go. 

My deepest fears were tested to the limit. My hability to understand the floods, big waves and intense droughts, became noticeably weak. I never felt I could be on top of the world, so I kept on falling, deep into the darkness, failing to breathe properly, so afraid of never returning to life as I know it. My skills, the ones I thought I had, never showed up, and I let myself down every time. My tears had no taste, but my mouth was filled with flavours I don´t want to try ever again. My eyes saw the unthinkable, and my hears heard all the ugly words I dared to repeat. My hands became empty and so is everything else, for now.

Creating a story from scratch, narrating and imagning places, people´s inteactions and plots, is what moves me daily. It´s a non stop of word flowing. A search for the most perfect life, relationship or career. It´s almost a curse, but a necessity and a hunger as well.

We, the ones who dare to use words for their own benefit, actually move others to feel them as if they could own them. I have been discovering different ways of expressing myself, and no longer believe that only written words are good enough. Being creative by enabling myself with different tools and storytelling what most certainly others will engage, is what moves me nowadays. The world can act as my personal stage and everything is possible, mixable and understood by interveners as pleased. I creat my story, but spread it out to who ever intends to use it.

The art of telling a story can be as big as the ability to grow an interest on various means. This is what being on the 21st century really means.

Adjusting to a new society is though. Knowing the right steps to emotional freedom a longing island, but it becomes harder when we´re talking about wealth. Buying and buying, getting more of what we actually don´t need, and showing, others, how much we are "worth" through what we have, impelles us to get there, but frustrates us when we don´t.

Where exactly are we now? What have we achieved and how much did we recede? Who do we expect to be in a few decades and what price do we have to pay to simply fit in?

I feel like we´ve just hit rock bottom when it comes to human behaviour, but has often said, once down, the only way is up. We´re kind of lost and disturbed by different views of the new era. Nothing is comparable or similar to what our parents and grand parents used to be, live and know, so we are crawling, getting the first steps and actually falling too many times.

What can we expect from now on? Who will save us from ourselves, once we choose to embarc on a journey of no return? Who will be safe and strong enough  to resist the unknown?  

As Nightbirde said, an american woman with less than 2% chances of surviving cancer - "You can´t wait for life to stop being painful, before you decide to be happy".

In the end it´s all about choices, hopes, desires and strong will. We are so much more capable of everything. We can recah higher and go further. We can give us chances that will take us exactly where we have invisioned. In the end, after the end of every day, we wont be the same, unless we refuse to change, to see, to trust and believe. In the end it´ll all be about how much we were capable of enduring, but figuring out the tiny little things around us, because they also matter and they also add up.

Life is tough, for most if not for all, but it is so amazing and fulfilling. Life comes at the exact measure of our hability to stand still, reaching for the strength we all have inside, but tend to forget. Life is this, here and now, so we better learn, fast, how to get the most of it.

Dreaming is what I do best, but nowadays I know what to dream about and how to feel everything I already have.

Dreams are made of what we have inside and we tag along as we learn to identify each and every new wish and desires. Dreams keep us from breaking down, because they lift up the parts we actually have, but tend to lose as we grow older. Dreams are trustworthy, because tey reflect our inner desires and allow us not to go short or small. 

Day dreaming as I search for what can really reflect me as a woman, mother and a person in a world I have chosen to live in. I am no longer scared of going big and wild, because There is nothing I cannot do, as long as I set my mindo into it.

Dreams take me to my eldest son, the one I haven´t seen for over 2 years, but plan to hug and comfort because I will go to him, we will visit New York and all the amazing and long term dreams we have both been having. Dreams will allow me to give my other 2 sons the best they can wish for. Dreams will make me travel, enjoy my days and recognise who I am in fact, no masks, no hihe outs, no fears, only an enormous belief that I will get ANYTHING  I dream of.

Tell me your secrets. Teach me your words, and speak to me as if we could both do it, being just us, no hooks helding us down. Come to me again and every day, showing me how to be your person. Tell me what you already know because I promise to listen. 

Tell me your secrets and be ready to hear mine. Don´t get too scared, just listen for every dream I actually got to see happen. Tell me what you hope to get from me and show me the best way to reach for you. Don´t judge my choices and choose me. 

Tell me your secrets and feel free to ask for all I have been doing while waiting for you.

I am a lot more than ever thought possible. I learn, each day, how to brighten up my days, being who I can recognise and respect!

Living alone and facing my challenges, has empowered every bone on my tiny body, the same one I push on to 10 kilometer walks, along with challenging runs and all other physical exercises that can give me back the woman I once were.

The world has changed, but so have I and now, more than before, I feel ready for everything. The warrior in me shows different paths and makes me face every fear. There is nothing I cannot do, so the world will eventually become my home.

Using words connects me with a lot more souls, some suffering and others thriving. I know its power and want every bit of it to inflate my now stronger heart. I keep on learning about my role and therefore intend to leave a definate and clear mark on every close touch. 

I am ready to accept a new love, because with it will also come the truths I have been hiding, not only from me. I am a better version and being more visible will take me to where I should have been by now. I am the woman you will want to meet, so be prepared. 

I was having my first alone time after a difficult break up, a few days to refuel and restore my faith on humanity, and enjoying every bit of it all. I could actually bathe naked on the lake, eating the foods no one else likes, but I love; going to bed late after watching the same romantic movies, over and over again; reading aloud and really listening to the sound of my voice; painting and remembering the woman who didn´t stop existing, but who let herself be swallowed by life, obligations and other truths, which weren´t her own.

I was running out of supplies, so had to go shopping, something I don´t like at all, but reconecting to life outside the amazing bubble I was living now, was also mandatory, because I´d have to go back eventually, even though I knew for certain nothing would ever be the same again.

After buying a couple of magazines, I decided to go for a huge vanilla and chocolate ice-cream, sitting down strategically to be able to see every new face, imagining, as any good writer would, what their thoughs sounded like and where life was leading them. Suddenly, a feeling of being watched took me over, I could distinctly sense a pair of eyes at the back of my head. I shook a bit, maybe to send it away, but knew I had to face it.

There he was, smiling at me, knowing exactly what he was doing. What a handsome man, what a pair of blue eyes, amazing teeth and broad shoulders.

- May I sit?

- You already have.

- What is such a beautiful woman doing here all abandoned?

For as long as I remember, I have always impressed the male world. I am petite, but very elegant. My red hair tends to live freely, showing a wilder part of me that I actually don´t have. My eyes are deep green and my lips look as if they are always painted red. I really consider myself to be a beautiful woman.

- I am actually not alone - and has I tried to add more, he immediately started laughing.

- I am actually disturbing you, good to know. Where are you staying?

- At a cottoage by the lake.

- The blue one? So it was you who stole it from me this year.

I was unabled to relax, and a feeling of discomfort and pleasure was going up my spine. - I need to go back and start dinner.

- Good, I am going with you, we have a lot to talk about.

- Are you making yourself invited?

- I am, so let´s move on to what is really important.

As I glimpsed back to see his convertable, couldn´t help thinking that these things don´t happen to someone like me. He is a trully impressive man and his confidence shows itself distinctively.

- Can you really cook? - He asked ironically.

We talked about everything, us and the ones we used to have. He are both doctors and recently divorced. He told me that not agreeing about having children, ended up his relationship. His wife was more devoted to the her career, but he could see himself as a wonderful father. What exactly do people say about coincidences? Wanting to be a mother and finding a strong and determined wall of refusal on the other side, worned me out too and brought me here.

I can´t stop looking at his lips and imagining how good it must be to have mine touched by them.

- Don´t you feel as if we were meant to meet?

- Let´s set the table, shall we?

- Nice escape, but for a good reason. Let´s check your culinary attributes.

The food was obviously very good, as I am an excellent cook, but the ambience was even better. I felt like I could relax and enjoy, and so I did. He opened the only bottle of Merlot I had brought with me and looking at him sipping it as his blue eyes glued on mine, made the swallowing quite hard, and the imagination free to fly high.

Washing the dishes turned out to be one of the best experiences of my life. He leaned on my back and started using his hands to follow mine, breathing so heavily, that every vein of my small body threatened to burst. Our lips finally touched and the kiss became the undeniable confirmation, we were really meant to be. We lost track of time and made decisions no one verbalized but knew would happen.

How can a stranger be so familiar? Why did I have to come so far to meet the better part of me? Who was this man sent by?